The Waitress
Atmosphere
"Get out bum! I'm going to call the police!"
"Okay, okay miss, I'm going. Watch your tone when you speak to us old folk."
"Out!"
I just stared at him as I watched him leave the cafe and walk down the street to the alleyway where I'm sure he sleeps. That hobo makes me so mad, just coming in the cafe every other day with loose change and staying here for hours on end. All he does is stare at me and give me advice about my life. Yeah, like a hobo knows how to live a good life.
"You're scaring the customers T!" I heard my boss yell out of the kitchen.
"Sorry, sorry... I just wanted to get that dirty man out."
"If he's got money, he has got a right to be here you know."
"Yes I know but he has been here for 3 hours on one bowl of corn chips."
"Alright, alright, get back to work."
-------------
"Excuse me miss, are you Tara James?"
I turned around to a two cops staring me in the face with a letter in their hand.
"Um, yes that would be me. Is there a problem?"
"Sorry to disrupt you at work but your father, Jeff James, has just died."
"My father? I haven't seen my father in years."
"He left this letter for you."
He handed me the letter, it looked like it was 10 years old with tears and coffee stains all over it. I thanked them as they left and sat down in one of the booths. How could he find me? I opened the letter and read:
Dear Tara,
First of all, I would like to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't a better father to you. You deserve better, you don't need to be serving food in this cafe the rest of your life. I can see it in your eyes, you're angry with your life. I bet you hate every man that you date. All you want to do is escape. I notice you take it out on me that you're all alone, but you are the only woman in my world that acknowledges my exsitence.
What is he talking about? I didn't even know he was alive.
I'm getting old and if my ship ever comes, I'll miss it. I had a chance to make a difference but I didn't. Now I think you should know, your father is the one that sleeps in that alleyway. Yes I am the man who holds down that corner table all morning with a bowl of corn chips. I am that thorn in your hip. You're the only reason I visited. Damn, I wish I was a better father my daughter.
-Jeff James
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So I think this is pretty good work. I like how it has a bunch of quotes and stuff. I think that it is a little jumpy though, and I would work on that.
ReplyDeleteI think your adaptation was to close to the actual song. The only diffrence was the cops and the letter. The writing was good, it flowed and there were no run-ons or anything so good job there.
ReplyDeleteI liked how this sounded real, not scripted. It painted a picture in my head. I think it could've been a little longer. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI like how you used the girl's perspective to tell the story. I love the letter at the end and how it explains who he is. However, I wish there was something after the letter that tells us what her reaction is; I don't like how it leaves the reader in such a critical spot. This was so good that it almost made me cry. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis is very unique. I like it. The way you told the story mostly through dialogue is clever. I think there could be more description and I would like to know her reaction. Overall a very nice job.
ReplyDeleteI like how you put dialogue in it and the letters. It was easy to follow which was great. It was entertaining also. I liked it a lot. Great job.
ReplyDeleteI thought this could of have had some work done to it. i think your adaptation was to close to the actual song. But the way you told the story was still very good. just more detail next time.
ReplyDeleteIt's a really sad story but I think you adapted it very well. I like the dialogue and I don't know if the letter is directly from the song but if you wrote that it's very good.
ReplyDelete